Needy Friends
Friendships make you happy. Friends trust each other, feel for each other, and understand each other. Friends make life better.
If that’s the case, then why do some friends make you feel bad? It’s easy to get stuck in a friendship that just isn’t very healthy and happy. We’ve actually written about this before; look at the article “Energizing vs. Draining Friends.”
Now we’re going to focus on a specific kind of friend that often causes lots of problems for people: the emotionally needy friend! Here’s some basics:
General characteristics of a needy friend:
- You tend to help them more than they help you.
- Needy friends often only contact you when they feel bad.
- Needy friends usually don’t ever really feel better, no matter how much you try to help.
- Needy friends feel like a “black hole” of negativity, because they swallow up your positivity and don’t give it back.
So if needy friends are annoying, why are you friends with them?
- A needy friend’s better than no friend.
- You like to feel needed.
- You’d feel guilty if you weren’t there for them.
- Sometimes your needy friend is fun when they’re not being so needy.
- Your friend became needy over time. They weren’t that needy when you first became friends.
Now that you know what a needy friend is, it’s time to weave this knowledge into your everyday life and see if you’re involved in a needy friendship.
How do you know if your friend is too needy?
- You feel like hiding sometimes when your friend approaches you.
- You’re reluctant to pick up the phone when you see they’re calling.
- You find yourself making up reasons why you can’t hang out.
- Sometimes you feel trapped by them and even panicky.
- When you end a conversation with them, your brain feels fried.
- You often feel helpless when you try to help your friend troubleshoot a problem.
- If you try to talk about yourself for a change, your friend doesn’t seem to care.
- Your friend likes to do all the same things as you do; they “follow” you.
How do I deal with my needy friend?
- Set boundaries and stick to them. For example, make it clear that you don’t take phone calls in the middle of the night.
- Suggest they get new friends. They may be focusing too much attention on you because you’re all they got.
- Focus on doing things you both enjoy. This keeps them from wallowing in self-pity.
- Be honest about what’s bothering you. Tell them their problems are just too much for you. Don’t lie and make up excuses; they’ll punch holes in all your stories!
- Recommend a counselor. If all they want to do is talk, they might actually benefit from a counselor. Encourage them to talk to their parents about this option.
- Take a break. Don’t let them drive you nuts. If you need a break, take it.
- Distance yourself. Downsize your friendship to a close acquaintanceship.
- Break it off. Tell them you’ll be in touch.
- And for the future… don’t allow people to rely on you too much! They have to learn to solve their own problems sometimes.
Am I a needy friend??
- Do you have a high turnover of friends?
- Are you the one who always has to pick up the phone?
- How many demands do you make of your friends?
- Do you notice your friends repeating the same things to you?
- Are you really afraid of losing friends?
- How often do you complain about feeling bad?
- How many times do you say, “How are you doing?” and really care?
- Do you feel like your friends abandon you when you’re going through a rough time?
(Note: Having one of two of these characteristics doesn’t necessarily make you needy, so don’t freak out.)
If I’m a needy friend, how do I change my ways?
- First, ask your friends and family if you’re needy. If they say you are, ask for details.
- Vary your topics when you’re talking to your buddies. Don’t always talk about your problems.
- Listen to what your friends say in response. Take advice. Show them that their feedback counts and you’re not just barfing out your problems to them.
- Tell them, “Thank you,” and that you really appreciate them.
- Show interest in your friends. Ask them about their day. Share their enthusiasm for things you both like.
- Reciprocate. They listened to you, now you listen to them.
- If talking helps, try journaling. This saves you from having to unload on your friends.
- Build your self-esteem and self-confidence. Often you have to be happy with yourself before anyone else will be truly happy with you.
- Respect their boundaries. If a friend says they don’t like when you show up unannounced, don’t do it.
- Get counseling. That might clear up the whole problem!