I don't really know how to start this well, but I've gotten really depressed since coming back in last May from a foreign exchange I went on. The summer wasn't too bad, I was depressed, but not horribly. Then as soon as school started it got bad really quickly.
Along with starting to not do any of my work in school, not being able to focus at all, not liking school (when I used to love it), starting in early September I started getting sick really often, until the point it was more like I was constantly sick. I would get stabbing pains all over my stomach, but especially the upper right, so they thought I had a problem with my gallbladder or something.
I went to doctor after doctor after doctor and no matter what they tested me for or what they did, no matter how sick I was it came back negative for everything. I was having to go to the hospital for tests almost every other day at one point.
Through almost all of 1st semester I worked full time on top of school and all AP courses to save up money to go back to Japan (where I went on my exchange) to see my friends there. But work was the one place I actually had fun, and it was sort of my escape from home and school, but by the time I was getting ready to go back to Japan for winter break I had gotten sick enough I had to miss too much work, and decided to quit before I would get terminated for attendance problems. I went back to Japan, felt 100% fine and not sick once I got back, though that was for less than two weeks...
Now I'm back, and I don't have work anymore, I don't even have the one 'class' (being a Teachers Aid for the Japanese teacher) I used to like, so it's gotten to the point I don't even want to get up in the morning. Before recently I thought I was 'too smart' or 'too logical' to want to do anything radical, but recently I've started having thoughts of hurting myself and it really scares me...
I know I really need help, and I've tried to get it, but my family doesn't have medical insurance and already in over $5k of debt from being sick last year and we can't afford it. I really just don't know what to do.
I've started getting sick like I used to, but it hurts worse than before. I can't focus on anything anymore, and I don't even like listening to music or writing or even chatting to my friends online anymore. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, but I don't want to be at home so I go to school. But then because I don't want to be at school I go straight home...
I'm failing two classes, almost failing in another, and I hate myself for it, because the work is so easy. But I can't bring myself to actually do any of the homework, which are major parts of the grades...
I've lost around 30 pounds since school started last fall, not on purpose, I just haven't been hungry (partially due to being sick). I went from being a person who worked just fine sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night to being tired all the time even if I get 10 every night.
I don't have any friends or people to rely on here, my mom is almost constantly drunk, there aren't any teachers I feel like I can trust, I don't actually 'connect' with any of my friends and just stay with them so I don't get eaten alive in high school. The one teacher I used to confide in recently really betrayed my trust in the worst way I can think of.
Depression runs in the women in my family... My great grandmother committed suicide, my grandma's been hospitalized a few times, my mom is depressed really badly though just 'self-medicates' with alcohol and cigarettes.
I have an untreated panic disorder and have had panic attacks bad enough my whole digestive system froze up once and I couldn't even drink water and had to be hospitalized. My family can't afford therapy or medication, so I do my best to deal with that on my own, so it's not as bad as it used to be now...
I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to keep living like this, but I definitely don't want to die. I may end up dropping out of high school, though I really don't want to do that either. I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I don't want to cry every night like this anymore...
I know none of this really went in order, and some of it might not even make sense, but I just really want help...