I've always been really scared of calling or using one of these hotlines. I don't know where to begin. I don't even know how anyone can possibly help me out of this at this point. My depression has gotten so bad that I constantly have to restrain myself from crying. Everytime I get in a vehicle, I
look around for all the possible ways I could get in an accident, hoping it will happen.
I've been getting worse for about 2 years. I can't say I know exactly when or why it started, but I know that my last relationship didn't do much to help. I thought he would make me happy. He was perfect in so many ways. But throughout the year and a hald relationship, it became all about sex. He yelled at me and emotional abused me everyday. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone but him, I couldn't even TALK about anyone else. He took everything from me. When I
finally got up the nerve to break up with him, he tortured me. Called me constantly, called me nasty names. Not to say that I wasn't pretty mean back at him. We still continued our physical relationship. After 2 months, I didn't think I could live life without him anymore. I wasn't used to being alone. But by then, he didn't want me anymore. He said all I was good for was sex. He got another girlfriend about 6 months ago, cheated on her with me. Which ruined me more.
I can't let go of the guilt that I let him do that. to me, and her. She never found out. And he's still with her. It kills me everyday. No matter how much pain he put me through, I don't know how to move on. I have a panic attack
everyday and cry like I'm dying. Everything I do, I want him to be there with me. I want to go back in time, when he was there at all times. Whenever something bad happens, I just want to call him so he'll make it better. But I
know that's not possible. It hurts so bad. I feel like I'm ruined. I'll never get better. I'm so scared. Of everything. Going out in public, what if i see him? Everytime I do, I breakdown. I don't trust a single soul. Everyone has always left me.
I've tried before to talk to my parents about getting help, and they said I was being dramatic and emotional. I'm getting worse and I don't know how I'll ever get out.
I CRAVE to cut myself and get drink all the pain away. It's unbearable. I need help soon. Not just my friends saying "just move on, and be happy." because if i could, i would.
I have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. It's not that I choose to, or that I want to die. I just want the pain to go away. I'm to the point where I'm even afraid of myself.
I plan on calling your hotline tonight, I've just been too afraid. I don't know how to start or how the phone conversations work.