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Edited: 3/31/2010 11:59 AM by
My Violin Keeps Me Going
Hi. I haven't emailed in a while. Because i just haven't had anything.. really to talk about. I mean i do, its just like that its not something specific. I just feel like i don't wanna live life. Just cause of stuff. I just wanna sleep all the time or something. And i don't wanna go to school. I'll just have these random fits where i break down and almost start to cry and i feel like i cant take life anymore and i think in my head over and over again that i cant do this. Ill be playing guitar hero or writing a paper for school and my head will just fall in my hands and i feel like i want to scream or rip my hair out of my head or throw something at the wall or break something. And i feel like im about to cry but i hold it back soo my parents or anybody doesnt see me. Then when i hold back my crying, i get this really sick feeling in my stomach like im about to vomit. Its the worse feeling in the world... And then i start thinking of stuff going on at school with people and it just makes me want to cry worse. And i get really crabby and i start yelling at my brother or dad and then i feel really bad for being such a bitch.

But there is so much going on at school, my best friend keeps on saying i need counseling. i think its for the silliest reason ever but she says i need it for handling problems like the ones going on right now. Right now theres this guy that ive had recent problems with. I really really really like him. I dont know why.. hes a total jerk. But.. i just like him. Hes so.... oddly dorky cute. Like his hair is this really pretty red brown color, and just, the shape of his face is so cute. And hes so tall, and hes really skinny, but his head and hands are just randomly big. And.. i just find it adorable. But hes a total jerk. He has pics of this girl on his phone (they aren't very nice pics. ) its some random chick and he went around telling people at school that it was me. For some reason they believed him, and a lot of people think im a whore now. Hes done other stuff to, told people we were going out when we werent and other stuff like that. Most recently i was texting him, he was just messing around and somewhat flirting with me and all he was saying okay then to everything i said. To get me annoyed i guess. And i told him i loved him to get him to say something, cause i knew that would work. so yeah, it worked. i told him i wasnt being serious and he just went back to saying okay then. then, at school, who showed TONS of people that text, and that one only, making them think that it was true. And my boyfriend found out. And everyone thought i liked him. So they were all telling my boyfriend that i liked him. Which isnt true.... well it is. But nobody really knows i still like him. Not even my best friend. and my boyfriend was all mad at me.... he doesnt mind much anymore though. I dont know.. but thats just one of the things that this other guy has done to me. Hes spread rumors about me too. But whatever. And yeah, i cant stop talking to him. And........ i dont know why. and thats why my best friend said i should get counselling. She says i should to get help through problems like this. Im not a very independent person, i cant deal with a lot of stuff on my own. I flip out when im on my own and thats when i have one of my fits where i think i cant do life anymore and i just feel like going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife out of the draw and just stabbing myself. But my bf thinks i should talk to my mom about going, but i cant talk to my mom at all. I really really really want counselling. I think it will help me a lot... it would make me feel so much better talking to someone. I just feel tons better emailing to some random counselor i dont even know. Nobody knows about my "fits" or anything, or about how i sometimes feel a little suicidal. I recently did a persuasive essay in advanced ela class, and my bf is in that class with me. I did it on teen depression and suicide being a bigger problem than we take it to be cause, well yeah, i kind of feel like, depressed. And i think my best friend is kind of catching on that i feel that way. Because she asked me why i did teen depression, and i said "uuhm well.." and she said" its cause of your sisters isnt it? you dont want to say?" My sisters arent depressed but theyve been through a lot. My younger older sister was pregnant at 16, and my older older sister has acid reflex from drinking, and she just turned 21 this week. Both arent the best daughters my mother would wish for, which is why i have a hard time talking to my mom. Im always scared im going to turn out like them, and i dont want my mom to think that i will. A guy, just a guy, that goes to my school, hes REALLY annnoying. he says all this crap to me and he always calls me a blonde slut and stuff ( a lot of other people do too. ) and he knows about my sisters and their problems. He says that im going to turn out like them, i am going to get pregnant in high school, im going to drop out, im not going to have any money, im going to live on the streets, im going to be a prostitute, ill have 5 other kids that i dont know who the dads are, and tons of other stuff that makes me feel like CRAP. He thinks its funny, but it really hurts when he makes fun of my sisters. Because i love them both a lot. My sister moved away with her husband who she had her kid with, and pregnant with another. I havent seen her in forever, and im not seeing her again until when she comes home for two weeks soon. Her husband, is in the marines. They are pretty good money wise, and there family, im predicting, is never going to fall apart based on how well they are right now. But anyways.. because of all this, i just wannna take something and stab the guy that talks about them and like... rip his guts out and see him suffer, and die painfully. I cant stand when hes making fun of me and my sisters. We aren't reallly...... like that. My sisters just have gone through a lot.

It feels like the only thing keeping me going in life is orchestra. I play the violin in my 7th grade school orchestra... and im in love with it. Im first chair, in the first violins. Meaning im the concert master. I practice maybe.... an hour and a half everyday depending on what im doing that week. sometimes not everyday but usually everyday. And thats a lot for how much the other people in my class do. i loooove the violin.. ever since i was younger and saw it on mr rogers ive wanted to play it. In 5th grade, when we did instrument fittings for band or orchestra in 6th grade, i tried the violin. i wanted to sit there forever and just keep on moving the bow across all the different strings even though i didnt know how to play or make different notes. but yeah.. violin seems like the only thing keeping me going with life.

Edited: 3/31/2010 12:00 PM by
Making friends and keeping them can be very difficult.  It sounds like you have been struggling with this for quiet some time now.  Just remember when choosing friendships they should be someone that will listen to you, be considerate of your feelings and make positive statement regarding your friendship and in return you should do the same as well.  Anyone that will call you names and make negative comments about you is probably not someone you want to be part of your life. 

You mentioned that you are having feelings of depression and thoughts of suicide.  Have you ever had these feelings before?  These is very concerning to us.  Your best friend sounds like she is very concerned about you and may be on the right track suggesting that you get counseling  for yourself.   A counselor can do an evaluation on you and determine why you are feeling they way you are.  Sleepy, isolated and sad for long periods of time are all warning signs that need to be looked into.  Please consider talking to your school counselor or calling us so we can give you some referrals to counseling services in your area.

In the meantime continue to use your violin to relieve some of your frustration. This is an excellent way of coping.  Wow! you are first chair that means you are a really good player.  That's fantastic.  Stay with it, that is a beautiful instrument to play.    Take care of yourself.

Pam, Crisis Counselor