We are so sorry to hear how down you are feeling. Emotional pain is very difficult and often people who feel like they have no drive or purpose in life will feel the way that you do. But suicide is not the answer. Often this emotional pain is temporary and people can find purpose and meaning in life. Life is so much more than getting up, working, and then going to sleep.
Those are parts of it, but there is also love, family, personal goals, and great accomplishments to be had. Doctors get up, go to work and then go to bed, but within that time save lives. Lawyers help those in legal crisis, stock brokers assist people with finances, cooks share their creative cooking skills with others.
Within the work we do, you can often find meaning. And sometimes work is a means to supporting ourselves so that we can do other things we love. For example, somebody may be unfulfilled by working a corporate job, but that job allows them to do other things that they love and support other people that they love. We would hate for you to miss out on all that life has to offer. And yes, there are hard times in life, but there are also very good times. Please don't cheat yourself out of these possibilities.
It sounds like you may be suffering from depression. Depression is hard because one of the symptoms is apathy and inactivity. These can lead to a whole lot of time where you don't feel like doing anything. And when you don't feel like doing anything, you just sit around and think about how bad you feel, which makes you feel worse.
Please do not fall into this trap. try to identify something that you are passionate about or that makes you feel good and engage in it, even if you don't feel like it. Whether it is sports, music, helping people, helping animals, acting, anything that gets you out and about and around others who share the same passions that you have. This allows you to develop positive and supportive relationships with others. Also finding professional help can be very useful.
Depression has many facets and seeing a counselor can help you manage that depression. Depression is very treatable with help. Seeing a therapist can be very helpful. And often there are school counselors who can help you with these problems as well. We hope you can consider talking to your school counselor about your depressed feelings.
Please try your best to avoid cutting. It is a dangerous habit that can be addictive and has the potential to create a lot more problems for you than it will solve. Cutting often will end up being something that can cause problems in relationships because of the fact that people feel like they have to hide it and it is so hard to stop doing once you are addicted. It also can lead to infection and accidental suicide. Please do not go down that path. Try out some of the other coping skills to stay busy from the previous paragraph!
Please remain safe. We know you are unable to call, but if you ever have phone access from either a family member or friend, know that we are available 24 hours a day to talk. You can also use our chat services which are available Mon-Thurs evenings. Please email us back and let us know how things are going.