Skip navigation links
Discussion Main Page
Family Help
Relationships
Feelings
Suicide
Abuse
Bullying
School
Drugs and Alcohol
Modify settings and columns


Edited: 4/8/2010 2:25 PM by
Battling Suicidal Thoughts Every Night
I am a 17 year old boy who has suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I have been on anti depressants in increasing amounts since I was 11 and no longer know if what I feel is real anymore. Every night I am locked in a battle with my self as to whether or not I should end my life. Many nights it is an easily won battle but on my worst nights I have gone so far as to swallow 12 anti depressants and eight sleeping pills. Being I am fairly large and perhaps because of adrenaline I did not even fall asleep that night and haven't told any one about the incident.

I spoke to a school counselor as well as a private therapist who both recommended that I be hospitalized. Though I know my parents and family care about me my mother due to personal experiences responded to these recommendations by demanding I not speak to these people anymore. I can't stand to make my parents suffer or feel any kind of negative emotion on my behalf. The most dangerous thought that spins around in my head is that I am hurting them more with my existence than I would with my death.

I have a single friend who I rarely see. At school I distance others with humor as a way to keep those around me both thinking I am happy and keep them from moving close to me in any meaningful way.

This combination of things leaves me with an incredibly low self esteem and no one that I dare speak with about my pain. I believe I am simply an evil creature that is not human but rather a sick mockery of humanity. I feel that I negatively impact all those around me more so the closer we become. I believe I am incapable of ever doing any good for any good I would do would be but a feeble attempt to justify my selfish existence.

So here I am emailing a stranger hoping in some way that at the very least I will find some semblance of change or the resolve to stop hurting my family.

Thank you,
Good bye
Edited: 4/8/2010 2:26 PM by
We are so glad that you reached out to us!  We hope that just writing your feelings out...has helped you in some small way.
From what you describe, your suicidal thoughts and feelings seem to be increasingly scary.  We want you to know that there is help--we are here.  You are very young, and have a lot of living to do--so many wonderful experiences to have....when you are having these suicidal thoughts--please reach out!  Reach out to your parents or consider giving us a call.  Its very important that you continue to take care of yourself--that is by reaching out when you need it the most.  Your parents can not help if they do not know what is going on.  They will/would be DEVASTATED...if they knew they could help you--but did not know how intense you are feeling.  Suicide is a very permanent decision to a temporary problem--if you are feeling unsafe now, do you feel like you can give us a call?  or can you at least respond with your phone number so we can call you?  We want to talk with you.  We also want to know that you are safe.

Please reach out to us...we are waiting to hear from you....take care, call now!

Kara, Counselor