We are so glad that you took the initiative to reach out. We understand that it takes a lot of courage to talk to tell someone what you told us. We understand what you are saying.
There are a few issues that are going on in your life that sound really overwhelming to you. When life gets this way it is normal to want to just stop and give up. However, we can't just jump ship. Everything that is going on is workable and there are options to help you work through them. Suicide is a permanent decision and very serious. What you are feeling is serious and we want to offer our support. We want to make sure that you are safe and can make a promise that you won't do anything to end your life or harm yourself? Will you write us back or call to let us know?
Cutting doesn't help. It adds more issues because now you are trying to hide it. Instead of cutting to cope, try putting a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it when you feel the urge to cut. It may leave a mark but it is a safer alternative. Cutting isn't a coping skill. It is an addiction. Journaling, talking to your school counselor, parent or other trusted adult is coping. Think about who you can open up to. They can help you work through each issue one at a time. You deserve to be listened to. Everybody does.
If school has been more difficult than usual, what do you think changed it? Did something happen at home or school to affect your studies? Is this something that you think you may need to talk with the doctor about? Sometimes kids will lose their concentration very easily and have nervous habits of blurting things out and cause other distractions. Is this what is happening? It can annoy people when you have this kind of behavior and disrupt others but talking with your school nurse or family doctor may help you understand what is going on. It is worth checking out. Can you talk with mom about seeing the doctor?
Almost every kid your age is concerned about "fitting in". It is almost a right of passage. It has been happening for years. You most likely fit in more than you feel. Everybody has a spot in life. What kind of things are you interested in? Do you have a group of friends that you hang out with? What kind of things do you do on your free time? Being yourself and being a person with good morals and values will mean more than anything. If having more control over what you do and say means fitting in better for you, then work on it. Before you walk into a situation, stop and think about what would be the best way to approach people. Work on social skills. Not interrupting, waiting to speak, minding your own business and just being kind, using calm voice tones and levels.
It also sounds like you could use some self talk. When you are feeling down about yourself, it is time to kick in some self motivation. Keep telling yourself that you are a good person and give yourself one or two of your best qualities. Build that up. You said it yourself, you know you are not ugly and stupid. Sometimes we all feel that way about ourselves but we can overcome those feelings by reminding ourselves that we are worth it and are smart and good looking. Journaling is a great way to get some of those negative thoughts on paper and come up with a positive for every negative. You can always go back and read it when you are feeling bad.
If taking away all of your devices isn't working for you, let mom know. Maybe getting a tutor will help. Talk with your teacher about this. Teachers are not there to be the bad guys but rather, it is their job to see that you succeed. They will help you if you ask. See if there is extra credit or some thing to help bring up those grades. Showing interest in this will help your teacher and mom know that you DO want to do well. Don't give up on it. It will get better. It may take some time and hard work but keep pushing through. The reward of seeing A's and B's will be gratifying for you personally. It certainly will help you feel better about yourself as well. Big self esteem booster.
We are here 24/7 and hope that you will reach out again. We want to make sure that you are safe. Please write back. Call or email anytime.