Good question. There is probably no short, or exact answer to that particular question. Over five years you invest a lot of love, time, and experience with someone. You would think that it would take a great deal of time for the feelings to pass, because it took so long for them to build. It could be that she never truly felt for you the same as you do for her. This would explain why your intense feelings still remain, and hers have diminished. Young love can be such a powerful, and painful thing to go through. To think, you have only been alive 17 yrs, and five of those were with her. That is a huge chunk of your life at this point. So it is very understandable to why you are feeling as badly as you are. The good thing is, the feelings will fade for you and you will be able to move on as well.
The cutting is obviously a problem that has spiraled way out of control. There are far better ways to cope through this, than inflicting more pain upon yourself. Do not take this out on your body. You do not deserve to suffer emotionally like you are, nor do you deserve to be suffering physically. You have got to talk with someone about this, so that they can help you. This issue can be worked through, but more than likely you are going to need to work it through with some additional support. Some great sources of help would be your parents, a school teacher, or the school guidance counselor. These are people that will not be able to just heal your broken heart instantly, but they can certainly help you cope through it. They can help you to develop better coping skills, as well as provide you a listening ear. This can be more beneficial than you probably realize.
As things are now, the best you can do is take things one day at a time. Do not think too much about what your ex is doing, but more about what you can be doing for yourself. Surround yourself with positive people, and get involved with activities that you enjoy. There is no need to just lay in bed, and waste the days away. Every morning when you get up, instead of cutting get out a piece of paper and start your day with writing down a sentence that reflects something positive about yourself. This might sound silly, but it is far better than you hurting yourself. For example, write something like "Today I am a stronger person than yesterday because yesterday I reached out for help.", the next morning you can write something like "Today will be easier because I made it through yesterday without cutting." The goal is to get you to think POSITIVE thoughts, and not these overflowing negative ones. You are strong, you have a good heart, and you WILL make it through this.
Keep in mind that we are here for you 24/7, and if you want to reach out and talk with a counselor we are available now. We are so glad that you took the time to email us, and we hope that we hear from you again.
Wishing you nothing but the best,
Mandi, Counselor