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Edited: 5/20/2010 1:43 PM
Struggling With My Feelings And How To Tell My Mom
I should probably call you guys, but I don't want it to show up on my phone bill, which my mom examines every time it comes to make sure I'm not texting or something. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. I feel sad and lonely all the time, and I'm always beating up on myself. It's like there's a voice in my head that says "See? You can't do anything right." or "Wow, you really are worthless, aren't you?"whenever I mess up on something or do something wrong. I feel terrible all the time, like I can't do anything right. I don't have a lot of close friends. My best friend hasn't spoken to me in a couple of weeks, and while I do talk to people I consider my friends at school, I know that they're only talking to me because there's none of their better friends around. I've also thought a lot about suicide. I've considered it, but I don't think I could ever go through with it. I feel like I've always had all this self-hatred and anxiety about myself and my appearance. I don't know what to do. I tried to tell my mom that I wanted to talk to someone professional, but she didn't do anything about it. It's gotten really bad over the past couple of days. Yesterday, I was waiting for my mom outside the band room and like, 3 people walked past and didn't acknowledge that I was there, even though I was standing in plain sight. I'd already had a crappy day and wasn't in the best of moods. Me, my mom, and my brother drove to where my little brothers stay after school and while my mom was inside getting them, my older brother (he's 17, I'm 15) wouldn't leave me alone. He kept dropping things in my hair and demanding that I turn on the radio, even though I told him I didn't want to listen to it. I finally snapped and started screaming at him and sobbing, and I continued that for most of the ride home. Ever since then, I've been in the foulest mood, and I've gotten into fights with my mom and my brother. I don't know what's wrong with me, but even when I try to tell my mom what's wrong, I feel like I've always got an ulterior motive. Like I'm looking for people to pity me or something, even though I know I'm not. It's like that voice in my head again, even though it's not actually a voice. It's just like an automatic self-put down thought that happens after I think about me. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't told my parents about how I feel because I don't think they'll understand. And, in a way, I want to prove to myself that someone cares enough to notice that something is wrong. But nobody has. Please help.
Edited: 5/20/2010 1:49 PM
Thank you for reaching out to our hotline tonight!  It sounds like you have been feeling pretty bad for a while now.  You mentioned in your email feeling like no one pays much attention to you.  You also stated that you don't feel good about yourself and at times have thought about suicide.  When you told your Mother how you have been feeling, did you tell her you have had suicidal thoughts?  You absolutely did the right thing by going to her to ask for help.  You stated that your Mother didn't do anything to help you.  Would you be able to go to her again and explain just how bad things have gotten for you recently?  I think your Mother would want to know if you have been thinking about suicide.  You do not have to go through this difficult time alone.  

There is help available for people who feel the way you feel.  If you go to your Mother again and tell her everything you mentioned in this email, and she still doesn't get you help, go to your school counselor.  Let your school counselor know what is going on and ask for help to set up an appointment for counseling.  Once you begin seeing a counselor, you will be evaluated to determine if you are suffering with depression.  If you feel depressed and have been feeling this way for a long time, you most likely are depressed. 
 
You also might benefit from the journal pages on our site.  When is the last time that you thought about the things that you like about yourself or the blessings that you have in your life?  Sometimes we can get so caught up in the negative messages that we have in our head that we focus inward.  Maybe you need to look at setting small goals for yourself each day to give yourself a focus.  Or you could try doing something nice for someone else--you might be surprised how much better small things help you to feel.  Take a look at our journal pages and see if they might help you.
 
Keep in contact with us to let us know how you are doing.  Try to talk to your Mother tonight or tomorrow so you can get help as soon as possible.

If you would like to talk to one of our counselors directly you can call our toll free hotline listed below.  I know you are concerned about your Mother seeing our phone number on your phone bill.  Keep in mind you can call us from any pay phone for free since it is a toll free number.  We are here for you Katherine 24/7 to help you in any way that we can.  Stay safe and keep us updated on how you are doing. 

Take care,

Michelle, Counselor