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Edited: 5/20/2010 2:51 PM
My Emotional Roller Coaster
Hey,
For the last few years of my life i have been going on an emotional roller-coaster. I feel like i don't belong anywhere, not even in my own family. I feel like i am a waste of space. I also feel like I'm inferior to other people around me. I HATE the way i look, I HATE everything about myself. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where i don't feel like i want to destroy myself in hopes i become a better person(if that makes sense). I feel alone all the time.I feel like a burden to people. Sometimes I feel like I am in in pause while the world is on play (if that also makes sense). I always feel like i am being left behind if thats a better way to put it. I have always been this way for years possibly since i was 8 years old, but as the years have gone by these feelings amplified but I know how to suppress them better sometimes. I was always told by my family I'm ugly and all they see is the negative in me. I feel like I will never achieve anything great or have nothing great to achieve. I am a college student in my second semester and I don't think this transition in my life has anything to do with it. I enjoy where i am going to school.I don't want to be alone. I want to start dating for the 1st time in my life and I feel like i'm not pretty enough or worthy of a guy. Like i will be an embarrassment to him
There are days i just want to give up on everything and curl up in a ball in bed and cry until i shrivel up. I'm lost and confused. Writing this i feel like i am about to break down and cry.
Edited: 5/20/2010 2:51 PM
Feeling alone and down about yourself is so hard to handle, especially when you feel that no one cares.  You have been through an extreme amount and you should feel very proud of yourself for reaching out.  We want you to know that things will get better with time.  The more you focus on doing things that make you feel good and are around people that respect you the easier things will get. 

It is wonderful you are enjoying college!  We know it is difficult but it's important for you to focus on the positives that you do have, like college.  You are becoming an adult and are making choices for yourself, it will be very critical for you to start respecting yourself too.  This is a hard thing to do, but there are people that can help you overcome the negativity you have had in your life.  Have you ever considered talking to someone at your college's counseling center?  They are there to help you with a variety of things and it may be beneficial for you to finally start talking to someone about how you have been feeling.  It will be important for you to find a support network that you can call your family (friends, peers, co-workers, support groups, etc).  There are many people that feel as you do and have to go elsewhere for the support they need, some even find it through animals. 

You deserve to feel good about yourself!  Your life is just beginning and it is up to you to focus on feeling good about you.  Make a list of what you DO like about yourself--and a list of how you want to improve yourself.  Make some goals and focus forward.  Do not let people dictate how you feel about yourself, we know it's tough but you are better than that!  If you want to have a boyfriend, that is so possible, but you have to love yourself first.  This will be a challenge, but with hard work and determination you will get the confidence you need to move forward in your life.  Keep the past in the past and focus on who you want to be viewed as now.  You are in charge of your life and you WILL accomplish all the things you want for yourself!

Remember we are always here for you when you need us!  We really hope that by writing you were able to relieve some of your frustrations.  Hopefully, we can be a support for you during this time.  Keep reaching out to us and if you want give us a call!

Be Strong,
Andria, Counselor