Wow, you have a lot of mixed emotions right now. You are so brave for speaking about all of this. Thank you for being so honest about how you're feeling.
First, it's great to hear that you have a very loving and devoted family. I know you don't see it now, but you're very lucky to have all these people in your life that care so much about you. Do you think it's possible that you're acting out in all these ways to get attention from your parents and family? Many people go unnoticed at school and work when they follow the rules and do what they're suppose to do. It's usually only when they begin to do the "wrong" thing that they get attention. It seems backwards doesn't it? Think of it this way..........as an adult, I don't get praised by the police every time I stop at a stop sign, but I will get thier attention if I don't stop. It sounds like in the past you have been a really "good" kid. You did well in school, didn't get into trouble with drugs/alcohol, and did what your parents told you. Since you've begun to get into all these "bad" things have you noticed that you are starting to get attention from people? You even said it yourself...........you like it when people ask you if you have an eating disorder or if you do drugs. It sounds like you're getting reinforced by the attention. However, it's negative attention.
There are three big problems with getting that kind of attention. First, it won't last. After people begin to label you as a certain type of girl, such as the girl that gets high, or that goes to the bathroom after lunch everyday to throw up her food, the attention will end. You'll have the label, but other kids won't really care what you're doing. Second, you may be getting attention from people because of the shock value of how you're behaving, but my guess is that they really don't admire you for what you're doing. It's interesting gossip, but I bet you none of those kids at school are thinking to themselves..........."Wow, I want to be like her." Lastly, the things you're doing to yourself are very serious and can have very long term effects on your emotional and physical health. Are any of these kids that you're trying to impress going to be around to help you through it? Not likely. Thank goodness you have an amazing family to help you through this. But they can't help you if they don't know what you're going through. You need to tell your parents how you've been feeling lately and what you've been doing to deal with it (cutting, drinking, smoking etc.) You're going to need their help and support to get through this. The bottom line is that there are other ways of getting attention, none of which involve what you're doing right now, which is hurting yourself.
I don't want to minimize what you're feeling right now. I know you're not acting out just because you're bored and it seems like a fun thing to do. You mentioned that you often find yourself sitting on your bed crying for no reason. That tells me you have lots of hurt and pain in your life. There are people that can and will help you, but you have to ask for it. Your friend whom you idolize because of all the "bad" stuff she does is not going to stick by your side forever. She has a lot of serious things she needs help with that that can only come from getting help from a professional. I'm not saying you can't be friends with her, but you shouldn't isolate yourself with her. If she's encouraging you cut, drink, smoke and other harmful things she isn't a true friend anyway.
You have so much going for you. Don't give up. You mentioned that sometimes you don't feel like living, but I was glad to read that you would never hurt yourself. Suicide is NOT the answer to your pain.
The first step is talking to your parents. They may have you talk to a counselor. That's a GOOD idea. Counselors are great because you can trust them, and they aren't your mom or dad telling you what to do. It's clear that you need to talk to a reliable adult about your feelings. If you're afraid to talk to your parents, try talking to a school counselor, or calling our hotline. You're worth it! Don't every doubt that.
You're at a fork in the road. You have the choice to make good decisions, or abandon what you know is right and continue hurting yourself. Make the right choice. Reach out for help!! We're always here for you.
Sincerely,
Katie-Counselor