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Edited: 5/20/2010 2:52 PM
Hiding My Feelings From Friends And Family
Hey .. So, I saw this commercial for your website one time & I thought I would give it a try, I suppose it wouldn't hurt. So, I don't know if I can explain the way I feel. But I'll try .. Ever since I can remember I've felt sort of neglected in my family, like I'm not exactly loved. I mean I'm not abused or anything. I just never felt like I lived up to be this person my family wanted me to be. I didn't do anything though to get attention, I just sort of let myself be ignored. I've never told my family that I feel so lost. I'm not the type of person who draws attention to my "issues". Even if they  do need attention. I just feel so sad a lot and I don't even know why. I never have a legit reason for being upset. It can just be something stupid that gets me so sad. & I think people can tell when I'm sad but I just tell them it's nothing. I'm just tired of feeling so helpless. I mean, people would think that I would be a happy go lucky girl. From the outside I seem to be happy. But I hate having to hold everything all the pain, and hurt, and sadness, and loneliness to myself. I feel a lot of times the would would be so much easier & better off without me. & sometimes I like to think that someone will come into my life & make everything go away. but I've seen that this doesn't happen. I've tried talking to my friends about the way I feel but none of them ever understand, they all just say "oh, it's fine. don't worry." but the feelings never go away. I've even started cutting myself. It sounds so bad. It just feels good to cry over something other than my emotions. But of course my problems don't end. I feel like I have an eating disorder too. Ever since I was younger I remember obsessing over food, my weight, the way I look etc. I can't eat anything without regretting it. I go through these phases where I don't eat much, then I give in and binge. I regret it. I feel so fat. Everyone tells me I'm skinny. But I can never get myself to believe them. I feel so ashamed of myself. My body. I've tried bulimia but I could never get myself to through up enough. I've tried anorexia but I can't get myself to stay away from food. I've tried dieting but I still manage to fail at that. I just wish everything would go away. I just want to be happy. The real kind of happy. Not the fake kind. I'm even losing the few friends because of my sadness. I go to a counselor but I just don't have the courage to tell them about any of this. & no way could  I ever tell my parents. I just can't. They would be so ashamed of me. Of what I've secretly become. I know that plenty of people have worse issues than me. I was just hoping that maybe you could help me in anyway. Thank you, so much.
Edited: 5/20/2010 2:52 PM
First of all, you did an excellent job in expressing yourself.  You made it very clear how you are feeling and why.  Great job! 

Secondly, you have a lot going on, emotionally, right now.  You are hurting and you have tried to explain things to your friends but they don't understand.  You have done such a good job in "faking it" that they really don't see why you are hurting and sad.  Plus, they may not fully understand that emotion because they are not feeling it like you are. No fault to them.  Continue to talk to them but don't make it the topic every time.

Finally, when a person wants to get a job done( in your case you want to be happy) they usually will find a tool to help them start the job and finish it.  Like planting a garden.  You need the soil, the seeds and the tools to help plant and dig and finally the water to help it grow.  Your tool is the counselor right now that you are working with.  You need to USE that counselor to help you get your job done.  Be honest and open because they can't help you unless you use their skills and let them help you grow to be happy.  It may seem overwhelming to put emotions out on the table at first but they will flow and you will get better at expressing yourself and soon you feel the happiness you have been longing for.  Counseling works.  Use your tools.

You are not a helpless human being.  You bring good things to the table and your family would miss you terribly if you were to do anything to end your life.  Please reach out when you are feeling like that.  Like you said, you have always pushed your emotions down and told people nothing is bothering you when it is.  Open up and you will see that your coping skills that you have been using, cutting, binge and purging, are not healthy.  Your counselor can help you with those. 

You have a journey to go on.  Pack up and get ready.  It may be bumpy at times but you will find the happiness that you have been searching for.  It will take time. Be open and honest.  Use your tools and most of all, be patient.

Good luck and we would love to hear how everything is going.  Keep in touch.

Naina, Counselor