You sound like you're still really suffering from all that bullying. Based on the past tense you used in your email, the bullying seems to be getting better now, and it's more of the past trauma that's causing your current pain.
That makes sense. Bullying can be very destructive. You've taken a wonderful first step, though, by emailing us. It's obvious that you don't like the way you're feeling right now, and you want to feel better. We're going to try to give you some ideas on what you can do.
The first thing to keep in mind (and you probably already know this) is that bullies don't ever have anything of substance to say. Bullies will use anything as a weapon (braces, glasses, weight, skin complexion, etc.) They can make you ashamed of the most petty things. It's important that you remember that nothing they say is factual. Their opinions DON'T COUNT!
Right now, you need to focus on the rational part of your brain. Your brain knows what's true; it's just been jacked up by years of abuse. You said to us, "I wonder how much happier I'd be if I never walked this earth." That's the trauma talking. You deserve to be alive as much as the next kid, and you know it deep down under all that scarring. You need to focus on pulling up those facts and attacking the sad feelings that have come from the bullying.
This is what you do:
1) Get a notebook. Write down all the mean, nasty things you think or say to yourself as they occur. Do this for a week.
2) At the end of the week, look at what you've written down and check out how sick it all is. Those horrible things you think aren't true.
3) Now write down why all those things aren't true. (For example, if you thought, "I don't deserve to even be alive," you could write next to it, "I haven't done anything to deserve death or nonexistence. I deserve life just as much as anyone else."
4) At the beginning of the next week, catch those mean thoughts again, but this time, attack them with the positive things you've written.
The longer you do this, the less frequent those bad feelings come around. You're retraining your brain and trying to ditch those thoughts that just automatically pop up into your head.
This doesn't mean you should suppress what you feel, though. If you feel terrible one day, write down what it is that's going through your head. If you end up with a sheet of paper full of abuse towards yourself, it's okay. Shred it. Getting it out of your head can make you feel much better.
Another thing you could do is talk to your parents about this and ask for advice or help. If you're having trouble healing from this sort of thing, you might benefit from seeing a psychologist. Psychologists would be able to help you more thoroughly and regularly than we could.
The thing you said about never having walked this earth is pretty concerning, as are your past suicidal thoughts. Are you going to be okay? We're glad to hear that you haven't ever tried to do anything to hurt yourself. If you ever felt like you might hurt yourself, could you call us (1-800-448-3000, 24/7) or tell an adult before you did anything? Don't take any chances.
Email us back so we know you're okay.