Dad Abuses Me
When I was little I was physically abused by my dad. He always beat me, and always told me how much he hated me he treated my siblings better than me. I got in trouble for everything even if it was a strangers fault. For example on my birthday my mom asked me to pick something up, and my dad tripped over the rug got mad, and choked me in front of everyone.
Nobody would help me. My mother never did anything she just sat back, and watched which I didn't mind because i'd rather him hurt me, and no one else. I have so much anger built up I can't release it. It is so frustrating, and I'm starting to see how it is affecting me. That is not all a few years ago my dad cheated on my mom with her sister, and now they have a kid together.
Which just makes me angry because he still hurt her when I tried to prevent it. I despise my aunt for that, and m dad. I'm not mean to my half sister/cousin though because she's a child, but I still resent her, and I wish she was never born. Then to top it all off he molested my sister.
That just threw me off course. So here is the problem my mom is so screwed up she goes out all the time, and brings home random men. She never listens to me, and I even think she hates me considering all she wants to do is talk about me.
We are so sorry to hear about the traumatic past you've had! And what's worse is that you're not quite out of it yet, are you? We'll try to give you some ideas and support that might help.
First, if your dad is in prison for molesting your sister, he's probably going to have a pretty tough time seeing his kids when he gets out. We don't know for sure what sort of restrictions will be placed on him, but he's going to be a registered sex offender. Oftentimes sex offenders can't even live near schools. If your mom actually did bring him home one day, call the police as soon as possible.
Second, it's very hard to help people who aren't willing to help themselves. :( If your mom isn't even listening to you right now, you could always try finding someone she WOULD listen to. Sometimes that trick really works. See if you have any relatives or close family friends who might talk to her. You could always call us and get her on the line; we could all talk together. Having a third party present can help. Another thing you could try is writing her a letter. Pour your heart into it, and if she throws it away, know that you tried. You can only do so much.
Third, the anger you're describing should really be treated by a psychologist. Few people can be abused like you were and just "bounce back" on their own. It often takes a professional -- sometimes more than one. If you're not seeing a counselor or doctor for this right now, forget about the intervention for your mother as discussed in the above paragraph. You have to help you first. Try to talk to your mom about seeing a counselor, and if that doesn't work, look for a third party to talk to your mom about it. If you want, we could talk to her, someone from the school (like a counselor) could talk to her, etc. Definitely get into counseling. At least plan on seeing a counselor when you're an adult if all else fails.
In the meantime, try to find ways to vent the anger. What about writing it all down? You could probably create some pretty angry journals. If you milked that anger out of yourself and onto paper, it might make you feel a lot better. Plus, if you see a counselor later on, those journals might help you explain things to him/her.
When it comes to your sisters, they really deserve to see a counselor, too. You don't seem to have much faith in your mother's current parenting abilities. Think about the situation you and your sisters are in right now and make sure you're not suffering from neglect. You need to be in a home where you're getting proper nutrition and care. If you're not going to the doctor, getting food, getting shelter, etc., consider calling CPS (Child Protective Services.) Otherwise, you and your sisters should start building good support systems. You can do this by finding other adults in your community who are good and trustworthy, like people at school, neighbors, religious people, relatives, etc. These people can really help you if you get in a bind in the future. Plus, the kindness they show you can offset some of the negativity you see at home.
You indicated that you're afraid you'll hurt yourself or someone else. We always want to double-check with our emailers to make sure everyone's okay, so are you able to keep yourself safe? Do you have any plans to hurt yourself (or someone else?) If you feel like hurting yourself, can you call us before you did? We're at 1-800-448-3000, and we're here around the clock.
Email us back so we know you're safe. Take care of yourself.